CHURCH HURT - I know it’s a real thing because I’ve experienced it firsthand.
Many years ago I found myself in the midst of a mental health crisis. I sought help through several different avenues, including our former church’s “biblical counseling” ministry. But please note the heavy use of quotation marks around that phrase.
It didn’t take long for me to feel like something was off with the “counseling” process. It seemed that there wasn't a lot of compassion or empathy during these sessions, so much as a lot of reading assignments and pointed questions. It felt like my heart was being rushed through the paces of recovery when I hadn't even had the time to process all of the reasons why I was such a mess in the first place. It seemed as though I was being told, "You should be okay and here are five bible verses that show you why." But I wasn’t okay. Not even close. Eventually I decided to lay my misgivings out on the table as honestly as I could. I said I felt alone, that I didn't sense any compassion, that this process didn't seem to be working for me. In response, I was told that my feelings weren't true and I was "being misled by the devil." I tried to explain myself a second time, but the person counseling me doubled down on their assessment. I walked away from that meeting feeling like I'd been run over by a truck. Blindsided. Smacked in the face. What had just happened? Was I crazy? Did I have it all wrong? It wasn't until later that I found the word to describe what had happened to me. It’s called gaslighting.
Our family stopped going to church soon after that. I was so disoriented… the very community that was there to “weep with those who weep” (Romans 12:15) had met my vulnerability with blame and reproach. I’d been spiritually sucker-punched. To be clear, I recognize that just because you feel something doesn’t make it true. But I’ve learned over the years (in a licensed counselor’s office!) that emotions are important indicators that deserve to be acknowledged with compassion and examined with wisdom – not outright dismissed.
I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that our previous church failed me deeply.
But God had a secret weapon up His sleeve. Where the church had failed me, a handful of God's people stepped up to the plate. Most of these people weren’t even members of our church. They were far-flung friends living in different cities and states. But man, did they show up. They showed up with meals. They showed up to babysit. They showed up in a dark parking lot on Christmas Eve and sheepishly offered up a gift of hope. They whispered prayers into the stillness of the night on behalf of our little family. They pastored and counseled, encouraged & cracked jokes. They showed up to help move boxes. They mailed me a wallet full of gift cards, just because. They walked with me through one of my deepest, darkest valleys and continue to surround me with support to this day. They tipped the scales in my favor. They changed my life.
My view of church changed a lot after that. These brothers and sisters may not have been singing hymns in the seat next to me on Sunday morning, but they were doing the hard, hidden work of love in the backstage, out-of-the-spotlight places of life.
This alone would be a beautiful end to the story; but recently our family started attending church again. I am nervous and I am hopeful. I am feeling all of the things! But hopefully this will be another beautiful chapter that I can share in due time.
