Church Hurt

CHURCH HURT - I know it’s a real thing because I’ve experienced it firsthand.

Many years ago I found myself in the midst of a mental health crisis. I sought help through several different avenues, including our former church’s “biblical counseling” ministry. But please note the heavy use of quotation marks around that phrase.

It didn’t take long for me to feel like something was off with the “counseling” process. It seemed that there wasn't a lot of compassion or empathy during these sessions, so much as a lot of reading assignments and pointed questions. It felt like my heart was being rushed through the paces of recovery when I hadn't even had the time to process all of the reasons why I was such a mess in the first place. It seemed as though I was being told, "You should be okay and here are five bible verses that show you why." But I wasn’t okay. Not even close. Eventually I decided to lay my misgivings out on the table as honestly as I could. I said I felt alone, that I didn't sense any compassion, that this process didn't seem to be working for me. In response, I was told that my feelings weren't true and I was "being misled by the devil." I tried to explain myself a second time, but the person counseling me doubled down on their assessment. I walked away from that meeting feeling like I'd been run over by a truck. Blindsided. Smacked in the face. What had just happened? Was I crazy? Did I have it all wrong? It wasn't until later that I found the word to describe what had happened to me. It’s called gaslighting.

Our family stopped going to church soon after that. I was so disoriented… the very community that was there to “weep with those who weep” (Romans 12:15) had met my vulnerability with blame and reproach. I’d been spiritually sucker-punched. To be clear, I recognize that just because you feel something doesn’t make it true. But I’ve learned over the years (in a licensed counselor’s office!) that emotions are important indicators that deserve to be acknowledged with compassion and examined with wisdom – not outright dismissed.

I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that our previous church failed me deeply.

But God had a secret weapon up His sleeve. Where the church had failed me, a handful of God's people stepped up to the plate. Most of these people weren’t even members of our church. They were far-flung friends living in different cities and states. But man, did they show up. They showed up with meals. They showed up to babysit. They showed up in a dark parking lot on Christmas Eve and sheepishly offered up a gift of hope. They whispered prayers into the stillness of the night on behalf of our little family. They pastored and counseled, encouraged & cracked jokes. They showed up to help move boxes. They mailed me a wallet full of gift cards, just because. They walked with me through one of my deepest, darkest valleys and continue to surround me with support to this day. They tipped the scales in my favor. They changed my life.

My view of church changed a lot after that. These brothers and sisters may not have been singing hymns in the seat next to me on Sunday morning, but they were doing the hard, hidden work of love in the backstage, out-of-the-spotlight places of life. 

This alone would be a beautiful end to the story; but recently our family started attending church again. I am nervous and I am hopeful. I am feeling all of the things! But hopefully this will be another beautiful chapter that I can share in due time.

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Stop Everything

This morning was chilly and blustery as I tried to get the kids out of the car and into the daycare building. I was running short on time (as usual) and so I was rushing myself and the kids. Just as we were ready to go inside, my girl sat down on the sidewalk. "I need to fix my shoe!" she informed me, ripping off her bright pink sneaker. "Can't you do this inside?" I asked, exasperated as the cold wind cut right through my warm sweater. A mom nearby chuckled at my question as she got into her car to leave. Kids, amiright? 

Once I made it through the hullabaloo of daycare dropoff, I couldn't help but smile and shake my head over the incident. My daughter is not afraid to stop everything and stubbornly hold the line until her needs are met!

That phrase stuck with me as I drove away...Stop everything. Yet again, my daughter was preaching me a sermon without saying much at all. 

Stop everything. At almost 5 years old, my daughter expresses her needs in real time. She cries when she's sad, squeals with joy when she's happy, and screams when she's mad. She'll ask for a snack the second she's hungry. If she's thirsty, she won't let you forget about it until she's had something to drink. And don't get me started on the number of times I've had to drop everything to go find a public bathroom. Matthew 18:3 advises us to become like little children in order to enter the kingdom of heaven. Really!?! God wants me to stop in my tracks every time a little need pops up and come running? I think that He does. Whether I'm disappointed, angry, in need, overjoyed, or stressed out, He wants to hear about it. In real time. Quite frankly, even with 25 years and a couple college degrees separating us, my daughter is vastly ahead of me in this regard.

Stop everything. Check in with your heart. Gather up every worry and mishap in your arms and run full-speed to the foot of the cross. God is ready to listen. And even more, He's ready to give you peace for your chaos, comfort for your mourning, joy in your despair. If you're like me, this isn't a go-to reaction when life gets hard. I need to be reminded how to handle my heart. Maybe you do too? If so, here's your reminder. Stop everything. Take a breath. Open up your heart and say a prayer. See how it changes you. God is ready to wrap you in His arms.

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God, You Know How

“Do you want to pray?” I asked, fighting back my impatience as my four year old took her time getting into her bed.

“Sure!” she said enthusiastically, snuggling under the covers. “Dear God, You know how.”

That’s it. Spoken matter-of-factly before finding numerous other ways to prolong her bedtime routine.

But it felt like a truth dart straight to my weary heart.

This year has felt like one impossible situation after another. Our black brothers and sisters are being killed in the streets. The unborn are being killed in the womb. Politicians incite division instead of unity. There is social unrest across the country. A worldwide pandemic. A struggling economy where some are out of work, and others try to juggle remote learning, childcare, and working from home. Add to that any number of personal challenges with illness, broken relationships, or finances and you’ve got a real hot mess on your hands.

Does it all feel like too much? Like there’s not enough air in the room? I know I’m not the only one who feels overwhelmed to the core. 

2 Chronicles 20 tells the story of Jehoshaphat, King of Judah. He had just received word that a vast army was headed his way, intent on crushing him. He called for a fast in all of Judah so that the nation might seek help from the Lord. And at the end of his desperate prayer for help, Jehoshaphat said, 

“We do not know what to do, but our eyes are one you.” (2 Chron. 20:12)

In other words, “God, you know how.”

I don’t know how to fix it - wouldn’t even have a clue where to start. There are days I feel out of control, powerless, exhausted, ready to throw in the towel. And then I look over at the sticky note next to my computer screen: God, You know how. A reminder of my daughter’s prayer, sweet in its simplicity.

God won that battle for Jehoshaphat, by the way. And the armies of Judah didn’t even lift a finger.

God, You know how, and I don’t. You are bigger than all of this. You are not worried or surprised. You are unshakable, unchanging. You will take every hopeless situation and use it for the good of Your children (Rom. 8:28).You will be the voice in our ear saying, “This is the way” (Isaiah 30:21). Lord, I don’t know what to do, but my eyes are on You (2 Chron. 20:12).

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